The filling in the generational sandwich

The departure of my son for parts distant has me thinking about passages, the meaning of life, etc. etc. One of the transitions that is scary and strange is the one in which we become the seniors. I don't mean the students just about to graduate, unless you want to get back into that metaphorical mode. I mean geezer-dom, elderly-ness, old, old OLD.

My mother died in 2005 at the age of 86 after an 18-month decline into dementia. Her final illness was terrifying and bewildering and frustrating. It was an exercise in futility most of the time. At the same time, Ed was graduating from high school and going to college, moving the first 40 miles or infinity-and-beyond away from home.(Have you seen Toy Story 3? If not, do.) I had to juggle being the parent to my parent and learning how to parent but not micromanage my almost adult child at the same time.It felt like getting the old one-two to the jaw.

When my mother died, in the mix of the confusing turmoil of emotion that included intense sadness at her final absence and relief that the excruciating drawn-out process was finally over, there was the sense that I had just taken that last step forward. Now it was me, standing at the edge of the cliff. The next step would take me over.

I wish I could tell you I had moved past that. Is there a point at which we really come to terms with our mortality? Maybe some do. Maybe most are like me, not dwelling on it most of the time. Maybe this is why I feel so driven to reinvent myself at 60. Maybe this is why I want to do something more meaningful with my time than the corporate finance stuff that took up 30 of my years. Maybe this is why I care so much less about whether everyone approves of what I do or say.

About that cliff -- the truth is, we are not lined up one behind the other. We are all standing at the edge, never knowing when that last step will be taken. I don't know if this should depress us or embolden us. Carpe diem! Seize the day. Gather ye rosebuds while ye may...

I said in an earlier post that "I am sure that there are limits to what I can actually do, but Iam not sure what those limits are. They are most certainly not as restricted as I used to think." This actually helps. What's the point of putting limits on myself that I don't have to? Life does enough of that.

Sorry about the buzzkill. Sometimes it just goes that way.